I almost wish I weren't as excited about my upcoming trip to Moscow because I'm sure not all of it is going to be all fun & games and some aspects of it will be tiring, others draining and, at times, frustrating. But I haven't been there for a non-sad reason in a year bar the weekend in May and to be there for almost three weeks will be nice. It'll be great to reconnect with old friends and get to see family and be with all the people who make me feel good about just being me; there are not that many people in the world who love you exactly the way you are and always make you feel special.
The working there will be interesting too, it will be good to explore options and show myself off a bit. Considering the current work situation and my somewhat dissatisfaction with my assignments... anyway, it can't be a bad thing to check this out.
I think I am about to tragically overpack while watching Roger vs Rafa, another classic in the making. I said Rafa for W all year long so we'll see...I really want him to get this one - he deserves it, such a nice, down-to-earth guy. Wimbledon is just ending but I already can't wait for the Open!
This year, this summer has been crazy already so I'm ready to actually experience a bit of real summer or my version of it - hammocks, bbqs, tennis, walks, rowing at the prichal on the Moscow river, having endless amounts of tea from the samovar on the terrace at home (oh my god, someone took pictures of it for a Russian-terrace book the other week!) - finally.
The war is over, we are beginning.
You guys will not believe it but I have (after 5+ months of searching) finally found a table for my tv etc. See, I'm not that picky.
It's Chinese - i.e. yes, it was made in China much like most other tv tables - but it's actually an old storage shelf (?) from China. It was DIRTY. But it's lovely and it's perfect and exactly what I needed. Yay to feeling more lived-in (some more).
Painted walls (after several tries at the right color), put up pictures, shelves, moved tv off of that long-suffering chair in the living room so feeling pretty productive home-wise this weekend.
We all know it only happened because I got lucky and because middle Sunday is a day off at Wimbledon ;).
Hmmm work, not looking forward to it particularly much.
Sorry, I've been very remiss.
The things I have (cough) complained about have not necessarily gotten better or even resolved at all (if there is a plumbing hell, I'm in it) but things are looking up:
- Wimbledon!
- Very sunny weather - strange but I'll take it!
- I'm going to Moscow in 10 days for around 3 weeks to work at the Moscow office (and not work at times) and get to spend some proper time there that's not related to funerals, finally, this year.
Some people make me feel good about myself and they really know how and some people really know how to make me feel badly but you know what, such is life. And it's about time I start paying more attention to the quality of mine.
Vamos.Allez.Let's go. I think I'm ready.
My Filofax is bursting at the seams.
These couple of weeks have been so busy, too busy. I'm all for an active lifestyle but running on empty here and feeling the burn.
Between working 'til 7 and banking, insurance and plumbing appts (this hasn't even covered the top of my to do list) and my little cousins in town so full of kid energy and engagement parties and all the flying.... Basically, I need some sort of sabbatical. And sleep, need sleep.
Off to another day of covering for a desk of five and an afternoon of interviews and an evening of thinking of something to do with the kids in the park once everything is closed.
Hm.
Crazy weekend-week-weekend stretch. Good weekends, both, but most of the week squeezed in between, I was in a bit of a funk - the weather was crappy (til today! total sunshine! pigs fly!), work situation getting more and more frustrating and sort of 'abusive' of me (not the people I love there - that's the hardest balance to manage), being some kind of homesick and very emotional, I don't know.. lots of things piling up.
I am not a negative person, generally, so it's always hard for me to deal with being in a bad mood for a prolonged time, to understand why I can't get out of it so that was a bit of a test. And some people helped get me through it for which I am very grateful. And I miss them.
This week should be better - if only because I am going to approach this a bit differently. Not necessarily in that energy-pendelum-philosophy my Mom likes to push on me but in a more calm, rational, I have to take care of myself manner.
Anyway, yes, that is the plan at least.
It is SO lovely out today. And I had a great weekend. I miss places and tennis and home but I have to do better with being happy in the moment and not being too UNhappy in the moment if that makes sense.
On a whole separate note, I hate plumbing, I love eurovision, I don't understand why my magnolia won't bloom or why I don't like any of the nice guys that like me.
And not to offend anyone's sensibilities but, personally, I don't find Coldplay at all relevant anymore./ the end
Good news is, I will wipe myself out flying to Nice and back next weekend. Yay, sunshine.
p.s. ¡Rafa!
Ugh, how did I get spoiled for Top Chef for the second week in a row?!
Paris was lovely if wet and rainy. Very short work week is welcome but sorta have to work today as part of team bbq outing [god knows how I am getting there]. So much to do, so little time to do it, et cetera et cetera. I mean, it should be an okay time but I'd prefer to be spending my Saturday otherwise. I'm making pie though anyway.
But - one, don't care right now as had a fab mint julep filled night at this new place 'avenue' on St James St.
The notion originated with Daisy’s suggestion that we hire five bath-rooms and take cold baths, and then assumed more tangible form as “a place to have a mint julep.” Each of us said over and over that it was a “crazy idea.”—we all talked at once to a baffled clerk and thought, or pretended to think, that we were being very funny. . . .
I lovelovelove that scene in the Great Gatsby. That whole chapter I think is really powerful. I think that once I get my bonus, whatever's left of it under this new scheme, provided it's enough, I will go to Old Church St and buy myself a first edition. It's a rip off, I know but I can't expect to get as lucky with this as I did with Tender is the Night.
And two, I do wish I could hop on the plane, if it were ever that simple, and go to NYC to see SaTC with the girls this weekend, I do.
I missed tennis, I don't think I quite realized how much.
All day Audrey marathon on Sky Classics (I came in from the park mid-Breakfast at Tiffany's - perfect), How to Steal a Million (yay) is next and Two for the Road and then Funny Face. A little exciting.
Off to Paris in the springtime tomorrow morning and on the train I will finally get to finish the best book by far I've read recently:
Yes, highly recommended. A whole new look at my favorite generation.
J'adore Breakfast at Tiffany's but I still think Truman Capote must turn in his grave from the...adaptation. Oh, Holly. I never fail to cry at the scene in the rain with cat.
I have cute shoes and cute dresses and three phones and I am ready to go away for a bit and leave all this intrigue behind.
And oh god yes, I was born in the wrong era.
Surely it can't be normal to come home from work tired to the point of general body ache-ness and just want to collapse and die? And yet 99% of us do it.
I'm really going to see how this summer goes at work and if I get what I want/need and not just more verbal reassurances that are not worth killing yourself for...
right?
or wrong?
I have sort of talked about it but not mentioned it on here but my trip to Moscow a couple weeks back was important in that it reminded me of some things. Obviously, as always, of people and places I miss. But more than that, I think I needed reminding, completely unprompted, by numerous people that I am deserving of good things, of big things, of things I've worked hard for and I should not settle for anything less be it professionally or personally. So, it was good to hear that articulated not in a pat on the back sort of way, no, but in sort of 'well, of course you do' kind of way.
I'm not sure I am describing it correctly, actually, I am pretty sure I'm not. But it was good to be reminded that I need to have that same level of belief in myself and in what I, for lack of a better word, 'deserve' that other people do.
It's its own world and its mine but I want more. I always had that problem.
Not that I want to do like A and just quit my job and go travel for three months and then do whatever else but maybe I wish I could be a sort of person who would do that. Or something.
I have not forsaken this place, I promise, just haven't had a second to breathe.
Work's been tough, consuming and not as beloved, which I hate. Things there are in transition, it's difficult but I must not let anyone take advantage of me, I know. I have become fairly indispensable there in a short enough period of time and I should start acting like I know it at least a little bit by now. It may not make me any new friends but I've already made all the friends I'll make me thinks.
L was in town, which was swell, and oh boy, we had a lot of fun. And it's always nice to have someone back here who understands.
Understanding why I never want what I can have and always want what I can't takes some work.
I've done so much in the last month, in the last year, and sometimes it pains me to think that when left to myself, I realize I am far from figuring out what it is I want. Ot how to get it.
This week is all about proving everybody wrong, isn't it? In so many ways.
I'm trying to get into Polish cinema but so far it's not working. Giving Sara a try though tonight.
Sorry for the silence. Several reasons for this.
I still can't really say goodbye to her although she is gone. I don't think you need to be a pet owner to understand. She has been with me since I was 10 and we've been through moves and lives and losses, and she's actually seen more of me than anyone probably in the meantime, I don't care if that sounds weird.
And also suffering weird parallels between making this decision and not making any just a few months ago with grandma.
Replay, replay and replay.
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