A quick update for today because I seem to be perpetually tired. I don't know why but ever since DST here - almost two weeks ago - my body has gone into complete energy-less and constantly sleepy mode. It's not helpful. That said, last weekend in France was very relaxing and fun and this feeling of fatigue is just clearly something largely unrelated to non-work hours/days.
Okay, I'm back. Not that anyone was holding their breath...
Some people have supremely well-adjusted lives.
I am so not one of those people. And yes, 'normalcy' is overrated and routines get boring, but I was never in danger of normalcy.
Because I look in the mirror all week and notice how much more I look like my mother every day and think about the extent to which that scares me. No one understands the extent to which that scares me.
I know by now that trying to 'save' her is something I have to deal with forever but even if I accept that, I haven't figured out how to stop that fact from permeating my entire existence. It makes me lonely - oftentimes - and unable to trust or confide in people or to let myself go. And, perhaps worst of all, it makes me afraid of the future - thinking that at some point it's entirely possible that I won't find the band-aid to hold it all together.
Anyway, I'm computerless for weeks now, otherwise I would post the marrow/zucchini pancake recipe and pictures.
I wish my upcoming trip home still filled me with excitement instead of cautious dread. And - no one take this the wrong way, please - I sort of wish I could go on a long, self-exclusionary trip to Pattaya instead. Funny how, on one hand, I wish I had more support but on the other hand, a sabbatical from everything may be nice too...
Do you sometimes wish you can just put the brakes on your brain/thought process to stop it from going - quickly, quickly - in a certain direction? Because I do. I am currently trying to make it happen. You'd think that if you were tired enough that wouldn't be an issue but, clearly, that is not working for me!
You know that sort of coiling feeling you get in your stomach or in your chest or both? I only get it if I am not doing something I am supposed to be doing, or dealing with something I am supposed to be dealing with, or if something bad is about to happen.
And I hate it but, in a weird way, I really trust this feeling in myself.
I'm waiting for my laundry to finish making a racket and I am mostly done packing.
A bit of everything.
Horrid last weekend (stresscryingmotherdramagoingtoliveinthewoodsstresscrazyomgwanttokilleveryone) that ended on an upwards note with Wimbledon Russian bbq. Good start to the week full of tennis&tennis people and much time spent in sw19 instead of at work that ended badly and abruptly with grandma's stroke (she is looking better as of today..but one never really knows with these things). Great weekend in Juan les pins (sun-sea-crashed ecole de voile party-no sleep at all-pasteque is watermelon in french) that ended with me literally running after my plane just so. Closest call ever not w/Boston-NY train:).
Made it back to Londres, sunburned, adrenalin falling, Wimbledon tan lines somewhat evened out.
Mon dieu.
Finally, the much-promised and advertised recipe for the best oatmeal cookies!
I know I have been really sucking at this recently. It's no fun when suddenly writing seems like a chore instead of a pleasure and you're so very tired.
- My mom is coming tmrw. We will go see the Cherry Orchard finally on Thursday.
- Wimbledon!!!!!!! So soon. Work interfering.
- True Blood is back (and is it ever). ::heeee @highlights!::
- Mainstream media is failing a little this week, no?
- I read The Blue Hour (depressing), The Sweet Life in Paris (adorable) and The Ambassadors (every word is so good) on the train through Lille-Brussels-on to the Hague and back.