London is the Best City in America

I don't know why but all the staff at Heathrow is being particularly unfriendly tonight. I know everyone's had a long day - make that a long year - but there is no need to be rude to strangers. Really, that is almost always true, give or take some extraordinary exceptions.

I'm on my way to icy, snowy Moscow for a break, which I am sure is not going to turn out anything like I imagine or hope, but I'll take it. I wish the family were spending Christmas in NY but what can you do. Family is family no matter how screwed up.

It's been another exciting and unexciting year, all at the same time. I was trying to think of a list of good things that happened this year so far and this is what I came up with:

- I had an awesome birthday weekend in NY.
- I had a nephew! My first one.
- Grandma managed to make a recovery, knock on wood.
- I went to the French Open, Wimbledon and the US Open.
- I made closer friends here in London, ones with whom I share a great amount of interests in common and who are very supportive.
- I saw one of my really good friends get married and be really, really happy.
- Lyn and I broke records and challenged ourselves every day in Competitours, where we came in third.
- I travelled a bit:).
- My French got marginally better and I spent a lot of time in JLP.
- I got a new job, one which I mostly enjoy and that has brought me into a team of really awesome individuals. I then got promoted in said job.
- I started going to more concerts and plays again.
- I started a food blog.
- I took a food writing course.
- I went to Eurovision with my 'brother' in Moscow.
- Cat's family took me to a magical 1001 Nights night concert at the Festival Classique in the Hague.
- I did not manage to curb my book addiction (I see this as a good thing).
- I got more serious about book collecting.
- I finally went back to Sweden. <3.
- I did things I'd never done before and will probably never do again.
- I got into trouble. But, generally, the fun kind. Bar the Austrian hike.
- I rediscovered Henry James.
- I had lots of amazing visitors.
- I was only sick once. Though it made me miss the hat party.

- I danced together with 70,000 people in the pouring rain while S yelled 'Roc Boys in the building tonight!' nonstop. 

I'm running out of ideas slightly, but feel free to add to the list for me:).

Happy holidays, everyone! Wherever you are, I hope you are where you want to be (weather permitting).

It's hard, isn't it, wanting to be alone but not feel lonely? I have days like that though I do have to say that my repressive abilities are scarily, reallt scarily good of recent.

Do I like cooking more than writing about cooking? I don't know. I think it's more that I don't have enough time to keep up with my thoughts and obligations. But I do have/make time to cook, regardless. Because you have to, really.

God, past-midnight stream of consciousness. I wish I had MTV to mindlessly numb me to sleep.

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A quick update for today because I seem to be perpetually tired. I don't know why but ever since DST here - almost two weeks ago - my body has gone into complete energy-less and constantly sleepy mode. It's not helpful. That said, last weekend in France was very relaxing and fun and this feeling of fatigue is just clearly something largely unrelated to non-work hours/days.

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Okay, I'm back. Not that anyone was holding their breath...

Some people have supremely well-adjusted lives.

I am so not one of those people. And yes, 'normalcy' is overrated and routines get boring, but I was never in danger of normalcy.

Because I look in the mirror all week and notice how much more I look like my mother every day and think about the extent to which that scares me. No one understands the extent to which that scares me.
I know by now that trying to 'save' her is something I have to deal with forever but even if I accept that, I haven't figured out how to stop that fact from permeating my entire existence. It makes me lonely - oftentimes - and unable to trust or confide in people or to let myself go. And, perhaps worst of all, it makes me afraid of the future - thinking that at some point it's entirely possible that I won't find the band-aid to hold it all together.

Anyway, I'm computerless for weeks now, otherwise I would post the marrow/zucchini pancake recipe and pictures.

I wish my upcoming trip home still filled me with excitement instead of cautious dread. And - no one take this the wrong way, please - I sort of wish I could go on a long, self-exclusionary trip to Pattaya instead. Funny how, on one hand, I wish I had more support but on the other hand, a sabbatical from everything may be nice too...

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Do you sometimes wish you can just put the brakes on your brain/thought process to stop it from going - quickly, quickly - in a certain direction? Because I do. I am currently trying to make it happen. You'd think that if you were tired enough that wouldn't be an issue but, clearly, that is not working for me!

You know that sort of coiling feeling you get in your stomach or in your chest or both? I only get it if I am not doing something I am supposed to be doing, or dealing with something I am supposed to be dealing with, or if something bad is about to happen.

And I hate it but, in a weird way, I really trust this feeling in myself.

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I'm waiting for my laundry to finish making a racket and I am mostly done packing.

A bit of everything.

Horrid last weekend (stresscryingmotherdramagoingtoliveinthewoodsstresscrazyomgwanttokilleveryone) that ended on an upwards note with Wimbledon Russian bbq. Good start to the week full of tennis&tennis people and much time spent in sw19 instead of at work that ended badly and abruptly with grandma's stroke (she is looking better as of today..but one never really knows with these things). Great weekend in Juan les pins (sun-sea-crashed ecole de voile party-no sleep at all-pasteque is watermelon in french) that ended with me literally running after my plane just so. Closest call ever not w/Boston-NY train:).

Made it back to Londres, sunburned, adrenalin falling, Wimbledon tan lines somewhat evened out.

Mon dieu.

Finally, the much-promised and advertised recipe for the best oatmeal cookies! 

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orange blossom

oats & honey

mix

mmmcookies